To: WSFA members <WSFAlist at WSFA.org> Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 21:11:38 -0400 From: Chuck Divine <chuck.divine at att.net> Subject: [WSFA] [Fwd: science jokes Reply-To: WSFA members <WSFAlist at wsfa.org> Some of you may get these jokes... The rest of you know I can be pretty weird... On On Strange Ground Chuck Or, for the less athletically inclined, Best, Chuck Divine To: mensafan at yahoogroups.com From: "Muriel (Dr. Mom)" <drmom5 at verizon.net> Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 10:25:27 -0400 Reply-To: mensafan at yahoogroups.com What goes, "squawwwwk. Pieces of seven, pieces of seven?" Parroty error. - - - - - - - - - - - - Why was Heisenberg's wife unsatisfied? When he had the time he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum. - - - - - - - - - - - - Schrodinger's Cat Wanted Dead or Alive. - - - - - - - - - - - - Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic! - - - - - - - - - - - - An electron, a proton, and a neutron walked into a bar which had a sign, "All drinks $1.00." The electron said, "Hey guys we only have $2.00 among the three of us". The proton said, don't worry there is no CHARGE for the neutron. The electron said, "Are you sure?" The proton answered, "I'm positive.." - - - - - - - - - - - - Biologists answer only to Chemists. Chemists answer only to Physicists. Physicists answer only to Mathemeticians. Mathemeticians answer only to God. The biologist wants to be a chemist. The chemist wants to be a physicist. The physicist wants to be God. God wants to be a mathematician. - - - - - - - - - - - - So the teacher assigns to Ada, Bob, Charles and Danna to go home and figure out what is 2 + 2. Ada, the daughter of a mathematitian, asks her dad. He responds: "Well, 1 + 1 = 2. 2+ 1 = 3. 3 + 1= 4, but it can be rewritten as 2 + 2, so 2 + 2 = 4" Bob asks his mom, who is an engineer. She takes out her HP calculator, punches in RPN the appropiate keys, and announces: "It is 4.000000000000" Charles asks his dad, the phycisist, and he responds: "Well, it is about pi on a zeroth order calculation" Finally, Danna ask his dad, who is an accountant: "Dad, how much is 2 + 2?" And he responds: "How much do you want it to be?" - - - - - - - - - - - - Q: How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Wanna go for a bike ride? Q: How many quanta does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One and a half. How many consulting engineers does it take to change a light bulb? One, that'll be $50 please. How many nuclear physicists does it take to change a light bulb? One, he raises it into place and the world revolves around him. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Can't be done.. It's a hardware problem. How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.000000000000000000000. How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb? 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications. How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket. How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they merely change the standard to darkness and then they upgrade the customers. How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven, one to screw it in and six to design the T-shirts. How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'. How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just find the problems, they don't fix them. How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. - - - - - - - - - - - - Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am." I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.... - - - - - - - - - - - - Someone once said that the point of higher education was so that you could understand more jokes. - - - - - - - - - - - - A solar physicist walks into a bar, gets the bartender's attention, and says "I'd like a Mexican beer, please." The bartender immediately begins shouting "OK, everybody out! Right now! Everyone out of the bar!" And he herds all the patrons out into the street, slamming the door behind them. The solar physicist shakes his head ruefully. "Darn," he says, "I should have seen that Corona mass ejection coming!" - - - - - - - - - - - - The chair of the physics department goes to the provost for the annual budget review. "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we have alot of exciting things going on in the department - some potential Noble-prize winning stuff. The bad news is we need a new particle accelerator which will cost $10M." The Provost is shocked. "That is alot of money. It is incredible to me how different departments need different things. Why can't you be more like the math department? They only want Paper, Pencils and wastebaskets. And the philosophy department doesn't even want the wastebaskets..." - - - - - - - - - - - - Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? A: You can't cross a vector with a scaler. - - - - - - - - - - - - Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg looks around the bar and says, "Because there are three of us and because this is a bar, it must be a joke. But the question remains, is it funny or not?" And Godel thinks for a moment and says, "Well, because we're inside the joke, we can't tell whether it's funny. We'd have to be outside looking at it." And Chomsky looks at both of them and says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong." - - - - - - - - - - - - 1. Girls require time and money. Or, to say it another way, girls are the product of an investment of time and money: girls = time * money 2. Time is money: time = money 3. Therefore, by substitution: girls = (money)^2 4. According to the new testament, money is the root of all evil: money = (all evil)^(1/2) 5.Performing another subsitution: girls = all evil - - - - - - - - - - - - Where do you extract Mercury from? Hg Wells - - - - - - - - - - - - Two bytes are in a bar. One says to the other, "I'm not feeling that well. I think I have a parity error". The other byte responds, "I thought you looked a bit off!"