Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 06:37:20 -0500
To: WSFA members <WSFAlist at WSFA.org>
From: Elspeth Kovar <ekovar at worldnet.att.net>
Subject: [WSFA] Re: Could be worse timing....
Reply-To: WSFA members <WSFAlist at WSFA.org>

At 08:43 PM 2/9/05, Ernest Lilley wrote:
>I don't get why the timing is so bad here. Let's see...we could have
>contacted her the day she died...or months after. This seems like a great
>opportunity to reaffirm her place in the club's life, and to let her family
>know that she meant something to the group.
>
>Everybody dies you know...it's only tragic when they didn't live beforehand.

I agree with Ernest.  Keith, on his own and without word to anyone, did his
best to track this person down.  Because of that as she died there was
affirmation to her family that she continues to live even outside of the
things that they knew about her, or knew and didn't remember.  Yes, in the
best of worlds she'd have found out in person that her connection with WSFA
was still remembered.  But her family does know.

I had occasion to be thinking about such things earlier tonight and wrote:

"We've lost various fans, some remembered easily and some not, over the
years and sometimes tracked the process of doing so here.  I'm not
advocating concern for Jack and his family and friends as more or less than
anyone else who's been ill, the connection to fandom being personal or
public.  Instead this is mention of my own good thoughts to all of them and
theirs, whether in hopes of recovery or in trying to accept saying
goodbye.  Or in continued regret that we've had to say so.

Which is more than enough mawkish drivel.  Suffice to say that what comes
to mind is that there was a lot of humour on Joe's last night, and that
somewhere Johannes is *still* laughing about my reaction to both my first
international fan party and then the discovery that even overseas folks
knew about the last Disclave.  Pity that we can't invite him -- and many
others -- as guests of honor for Capclave or other cons so they can share
such stories.  But as I said, I'm sure they're laughing.

(Okay, given the mawkish drivel, in this case probably laughing *at* us, or
rather me, rather than with us, but what the heck.  I'm in favor of laughter.)"

Of course, I also talk to my cats . . .

But I still figure that anyone who has lived, rather than simply existed,
is as truly vital as our memories of them are.  Keith, I talked to Joe as
his body finally gave up, long after his mind had died, and it wasn't just
for the sake of the two of us there who weren't dying.  (And, come to think
of it, well after people thought his mind had died but his body was still
alive he and I talked, but that was totally unexpected.)  He's still
around, just not present.  Johannes is *still* laughing about that
encounter, and delighted to rub my nose into it as I go from brand-new to
conrunning to whatever, all the while pretending to not understand the
point of his English.  I still and will probably always hear someone I only
had the fortune to meet during two Worldcons when I'm making tea in the
morning, archly iterating the ways that I'm doing it wrong with that
undercurrent of laughter.  She's laughing as much as she always was --
though perhaps also more concerned since she can't bail folks out when
they're being foolish.  But she's equally very much alive.

The problem is not letting people know how much they're appreciated when
they're present to enjoy it; that I learned watching Joe's amazement at all
the folks who came to see him.  I'm glad that he was present for it as he
was like a cynic who suddenly found that Santa Clause really did exist
after all.  And that he was on the 'nice' list.

Of course, there's also ". . . and oh/the difference to me"  That
difference is never to be discounted and can hurt like hell.  Hearing
someone laugh as you're groggily stumbling about trying to make tea is
lovely, and all the more so when they're not physically there laughing at
you.  But it's not the same if you can't then go dash off an email or look
forward to seeing them so you can laugh back.

Elspeth