From: "Ernest Lilley" <elilley at mindspring.com>
To: "'WSFA members'" <WSFAlist at WSFA.org>
Subject: [WSFA] FW: THE LIFE OF A SAILOR!
Date: Wed, 30 Mar 2005 09:14:35 -0500
Reply-To: WSFA members <WSFAlist at WSFA.org>

This is from my wife, the Navy Gal. It=92s perfect. One imagines an
interesting variant on the life in the space navy. If you've ever been =
in
the Navy, this will be all too familiar...

Ernest Lilley

Home/Office: 703 371 0226
EJ: 757 581 4146
email: elilley at mindspring.com

Subject: [WSFA] FW: HOW TO SIMULATE THE LIFE OF A SAILOR!
=A0
~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for =
six
months.=A0=20
~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.=A0=20
~ Repaint your entire house every month.=A0=20
~ Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub =
and
move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you
turn off the water while you soap down.=A0=20
~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back =
doors so
that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through =
them.=A0=20
~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.=A0=20
~ On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater =
temperature up
to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On
Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during =
the
week, so no bathing will be allowed.=A0=20
~ Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn =
over
without getting out and then getting back in.=A0=20
~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a =
curtain.
Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to =
sleep,
shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."=A0=20
~ Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.=A0=20
~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, =
and
shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."=A0=20
~ Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am =
while
she reads it to you.=A0=20
~ Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to =
leave
your house before 3 pm.=A0=20
~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three
times a day, whether it needs it or not.=A0=A0=20
~ Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your =
magazines,
and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.=A0=20
~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have =
your
family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.=A0=20
~ Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the =
pantry
or refrigerator.=A0=20
~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are =
having
steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they =
finally
get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have =
dried
ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask =
for
hot dogs.=A0=20
~ Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
Spread icing real thick to level it off.=A0=20
~ Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)=A0=20
~ Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At =
the
alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your =
top
shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the =
backyard
and uncoil the garden hose.=A0=20

~ Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard
port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.=A0=20
~ Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them =
in.
Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the =
stove,
and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or =
so,
speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and =
paper
cup and stow them in a shoebox.=A0=20
~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand =
watches
at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the
weather is worst. January is a good time.=A0=20
~ When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, =
sit
in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure =
to
have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.=A0=20
~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per =
pot,
and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.=A0=20
~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep =
shears.=A0=20
~ Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.=A0=20
~ Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them =
that
at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World =
for
"liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney =
World
has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and =
it
will be another week before they can leave the house.=A0=20
________________________________________

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