Date: Sun, 03 Apr 2005 18:19:23 -0400
To: WSFA members <WSFAlist at WSFA.org>
From: Candy Madigan <candymadigan at mindspring.com>
Subject: [WSFA] Re: FW: THE LIFE OF A SAILOR!
Reply-To: WSFA members <WSFAlist at WSFA.org>

I was in the Air Force, but even so, this so totally rings true.

At 10:14 AM 3/30/2005, you wrote:
>This is from my wife, the Navy Gal. It=92s perfect. One imagines an
>interesting variant on the life in the space navy. If you've ever been =
>in
>the Navy, this will be all too familiar...
>
>Ernest Lilley
>
>Home/Office: 703 371 0226
>EJ: 757 581 4146
>email: elilley at mindspring.com
>
>Subject: [WSFA] FW: HOW TO SIMULATE THE LIFE OF A SAILOR!
>=A0
>~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for =
>six
>months.=A0=20
>~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.=A0=20
>~ Repaint your entire house every month.=A0=20
>~ Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub =
>and
>move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you
>turn off the water while you soap down.=A0=20
>~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back =
>doors so
>that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through =
>them.=A0=20
>~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.=A0=20
>~ On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater =
>temperature up
>to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On
>Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during =
>the
>week, so no bathing will be allowed.=A0=20
>~ Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn =
>over
>without getting out and then getting back in.=A0=20
>~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a =
>curtain.
>Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to =
>sleep,
>shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."=A0=20
>~ Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
>dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.=A0=20
>~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, =
>and
>shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."=A0=20
>~ Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
>following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am =
>while
>she reads it to you.=A0=20
>~ Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to =
>leave
>your house before 3 pm.=A0=20
>~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three
>times a day, whether it needs it or not.=A0=A0=20
>~ Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your =
>magazines,
>and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.=A0=20
>~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have =
>your
>family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.=A0=20
>~ Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the =
>pantry
>or refrigerator.=A0=20
>~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are =
>having
>steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they =
>finally
>get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have =
>dried
>ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask =
>for
>hot dogs.=A0=20
>~ Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
>Spread icing real thick to level it off.=A0=20
>~ Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
>sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)=A0=20
>~ Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At =
>the
>alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your =
>top
>shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the =
>backyard
>and uncoil the garden hose.=A0=20
>
>~ Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard
>port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.=A0=20
>~ Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them =
>in.
>Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the =
>stove,
>and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or =
>so,
>speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and =
>paper
>cup and stow them in a shoebox.=A0=20
>~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand =
>watches
>at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the
>weather is worst. January is a good time.=A0=20
>~ When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, =
>sit
>in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure =
>to
>have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.=A0=20
>~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per =
>pot,
>and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.=A0=20
>~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep =
>shears.=A0=20
>~ Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.=A0=20
>~ Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them =
>that
>at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World =
>for
>"liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney =
>World
>has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and =
>it
>will be another week before they can leave the house.=A0=20
>________________________________________
>
>=20

Candy

P.S. I don't have any pictures yet, but see my new web-site at
www.hourglass-creations.com