To: WSFA members <WSFAlist at KeithLynch.net>
From: "Keith F. Lynch" <kfl at KeithLynch.net>
Subject: [WSFA] No cause for panic
Date: Fri,  1 Apr 2011 20:19:27 -0400 (EDT)
Reply-To: WSFA members <WSFAlist at KeithLynch.net>

FLAGSTAFF, Arizona (AP) - April 1, 1930

ASTRONOMER CLAIMS NEW PLANET HARMLESS

Clyde Tombaugh, discoverer of the planet Pluto, admits that light and
heat have been detected from this recently discovered world at the
edge of the solar system, but insists that Americans are not at risk.

The Department of Homeland Security, founded nearly ten years ago by
President Wilson to save Americans from threats such as jazz, liquor,
and pool halls, suggests that, while there's probably no real danger,
to be prudent Americans should be sure to wear dark glasses and line
their homes with asbestos.  People who work in coal mines should
spend more time underground, just to be safe.  People who live in the
countryside should consider temporarily relocating to a major city, to
get the protection of smoke from smokestacks, which blocks most light
and heat.  The head of DHS also suggested drinking wood alcohol, as
that is known to reduce the eye's sensitivity to light.

When asked how long the risk will last, Tombaugh again claimed that
there was no risk, but finally admitted that Pluto is not only getting
closer to our planet, but will continue to do so for the next 59 years.

President Hoover is expected to address the nation by radio later
this week.  Sources say that he will institute a three-part program,
consisting of raising taxes, starting a new government agency, and
requiring all railroad and ship passengers to submit to searches and
to show government-issued picture ID before boarding.