Date: Tue, 7 May 2002 00:32:24 -0400 (EDT) From: "Keith F. Lynch" <kfl at keithlynch.net> To: WSFAlist at keithlynch.net Subject: [WSFA] With apologies to Monty Python Reply-To: WSFA members <WSFAlist at keithlynch.net> A customer enters a list shop. Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The owner does not respond.) C: 'Ello, Miss? Owner: What do you mean "miss"? C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint! O: We're closin' for lunch. C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this list what I subscribed to not half an week ago from this very boutique. O: Oh yes, the, uh, the WSFA list...What's,uh...What's wrong with it? C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it! O: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting. C: Look, matey, I know a dead list when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now. O: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable list, the WSFA list, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage! C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead. O: Nononono, no, no! It's resting! C: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (posting to the list) 'Ello, WSFA List! Heinlein's _I Robot_ is my favorite novel! Spam isn't all that bad! The South should have won the Civil War! Capclave has been can...(owner hits the terminal) O: There, it moved! C: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the terminal! O: I never!! C: Yes, you did! O: I never, never did anything... C: (yelling and hitting the terminal repeatedly) 'ELLO LIST!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes list out of the terminal and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) C: Now that's what I call a dead list. O: No, no.....No, it's stunned! C: STUNNED?!? O: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin' up! Lists stun easily, major. C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That list is definitely deceased, and when I subscribed 'alf a week ago, you assured me that its total lack of message traffic was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged discussion. O: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the fjords. C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on his back the moment I got 'it home? O: The WSFA list prefers kippin' on its back! Remarkable list, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage! C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that list when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. (pause) O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that list down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its text, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee! C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this list wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised! O: No no! It's pining! C: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This list is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'it to the perch it'd be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-LIST!! (pause) O: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of lists. C: I see. I see, I get the picture. O: I got a web page. (pause) C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk? O: Nnnnot really. C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!? O: Look, if you go to my brother's list shop in Bolton, he'll replace the list for you. C: Bolton, eh? Very well. The customer leaves. The customer enters the same list shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache. C: This is Bolton, is it? O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch. C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you. The customer goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints". C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person. Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!! C: I beg your pardon...? A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss! C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it? A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know. C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch. A: No, this is Bolton. C: (to the camera) The list shop man's brother was lying!! A: Can't blame British Rail for that. C: In that case, I shall return to the list shop! He does. C: I understand this IS Bolton. O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes? C: You told me it was Ipswitch! O: ...It was a pun. C: (pause) A PUN?!? O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards? C: (Long pause) A palindrome...? O: Yeah, that's it! C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!! O: Well, what do you want? C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly! Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... -- Keith F. Lynch - kfl at keithlynch.net - http://keithlynch.net/ I always welcome replies to my e-mail, postings, and web pages, but unsolicited bulk e-mail (spam) is not acceptable. Please do not send me HTML, "rich text," or attachments, as all such email is discarded unread.